How to Keep Your Calm and Quiet Anxiety Thoughts

Get Unstuck From Anxious Thinking

 

The way we think matters! Thoughts directly relate to your emotions and moods and why self-talk matters. Self-talk which is how you talk to yourself in your mind, your inner dialogue.  Almost everyone has a running commentary going in their head throughout their day, noticing things like “my hair looks good today,” “we’re almost out of milk” or “I should sweep ” and so on.

 

Not all are thoughts are just bland observations though! There are nice things you think about others and yourself, times of gratitude, new ideas, reflections and more. And on the flip side there are the thoughts that give voice to our fears, inner critic, blame and shame, self-doubt, and anxiety – just to name a few!

 

Remember you are not your thoughts. To jump to my three strategies click here.

 

 

The most common type of thoughts I hear about are anxious thoughts. Anxious thinking has people losing sleep, feeling distressed or drained and impacts their daily life and relationships. Overwhelming anxious thoughts can make someone feel like they’re trapped or drowning. Often anxious thinking comes with body sensations as well such as being restless, not being able to relax or rest, and that walking on eggshells or waiting for the other shoe to drop feeling.

 

Anxiety is a feeling and just like any other feeling it serves a purpose and is useful. I know, hear me out! Anxious thoughts work to keep you prepared and safe from harm. For example if you get anxious about driving in winter conditions (me!) that is helpful if it causes you to double-check the trip report, make sure you have appropriate supplies in the car and make alternative plans.

 

Anxiety also helps with becoming more attuned and sensitive to other’s needs and can increase your empathy. For some it can work to motivate them towards growth and helps them be prepared for challenges. Too much of anything isn’t helpful though. Daily anxious thinking leaves you mentally tired, drained and on edge. You might not be able to live in the moment because you’re already thinking five steps ahead.

Anxious thoughts are tricky because they convince us that they are helpful, true, and can overrun our thoughts, leaving little room for those enjoyable thoughts.

 

Ever jump to the worst possible outcome? Or get stuck imagining all the possible scary situations and what you’d do in them? These are two of the most common types of anxious thoughts: catastrophizing and worst-case scenario thinking. I refer to them as “going down the rabbit hole” because once they start they usually spiral to some dark places.

 

 

Another thought that can increase our anxiety is the ones that start with “I should.” Example: “I should have done” xyz or “I should know better” or I should be happy.” These thoughts let shame sneak in and increase our feelings of guilt and not good enough.

 

Anxious thoughts can be particularly challenging with they start looping and snowball from something small to a big worry. Ever feel overwhelmed and then think about everything negative about the situation and get even more overwhelmed? That level of anxious thinking can easily put people in a state of panic or a meltdown and can be challenging to function with.

 

Why does anxiety take over?

 

Anxiety often starts before adulthood and is influenced by so many external factors. Nothing is wrong with you if you have anxious thoughts. It may have served you well at some point in your childhood or young adult years as a way to predict your likelihood of being safe (physically, emotionally, interpersonally, etc.) in different situations, within different systems, or around certain people.

 

If you’re brain and body had to be vigilant then that becomes a default way of coping. The desire to control what you can comes, people pleasing and perfectionism can often date back to unmet needs you had.

 

Anxious thinking typically tends to increase in times of stress, trying something new, or in times of transition. Times of uncertainty and dealing with unknowns are hard to handle and naturally can cause some increased feelings of anxiety. So this time in history alone can cause increased anxiety!

 

Remember that it was helpful at some point for you to experience anxiety. However, it isn’t helpful anymore if the dangers have passed and that level of anxiety is now holding you back, harming others, causing you to lose sleep, and more. High anxiety can often morph into irritability, rage, and depression when it’s high for long enough and typically affects your relationships as well.

 

The good news is that you can reduce anxious thinking to a level that is more in balance and leaves room for all the other feelings too. I’ve outlined three phases of work that I guide people through in relationship to anxious thoughts.

 

Three Steps for Decreasing Anxious Thoughts

 

Attend to Your Feelings

 

• Use a grounding technique in the moment (5-4-3-2-1 senses exercise, deep breathing, touching something ice cold, etc.). Grounding tells your brain you’re not in immediate danger thus allowing it to calm down from fight/flight/freeze mode and get back online.
• Notice your body and if your basic needs are met such as are you hungry, thirsty, in pain etc? Your anxiety is communicating a need and sometimes it’s because we haven’t been meeting our basic needs.
• Do a reality check. Ask yourself if you’re in danger now and is there a realistic possibility of the worst that you’re thinking actually happening?
• Is this a familiar feeling? Remember that you made it through those other times.
• Repeat a mantra like “I have choices” or “I can only control my own actions” or “I’m safe right now”
• Co-regulate with someone else (a parent, therapist, partner) who can soothe your fear response

 

 

Notice Your Thoughts

 

• Mindfully pay attention to your thoughts and if you can write them down.
• Notice your patterns. There are lots of great journal templates for noticing your thought patterns, here’s just one.
• Talk to a loved one, close friend or therapist about your thoughts. It’s helpful to get outside perspective and have someone let you know if you getting stuck in anxious thinking.
• Take time daily to review how your day was and notice at least one positive or adaptive thought you had (go you!)
• Be flexible. Ask yourself if it’s possible to look at a situation differently. Make it like a puzzle, how might it be seen a different way?
• Use a sense of humor, “Uh oh, I went down the rabbit hole there” or “these anxious thoughts are becoming bad house guests!”

 

 

Change Your Inner Dialogue

 

This last step is a whole journey in itself. It takes work to unlearn patterns and create new ones. Here are some tips for moving towards balanced self-talk:

 

• Thank yourself more for what you do (thank you body for resting, nice job me setting that boundary).
• When you’re feeling anxious think of what you would say to a friend or what your favorite person/character would say to you.
• Reframe fear thoughts. Instead of “I’m going to fail my exam” it could be “I gave it all I had” or “I did my best and it’s out of my control now.”
• Create a gratitude practice where you notice something you’re grateful for daily.
• Externalize the anxiety – remember you are not anxiety. You can talk back to it! When you think of it as separate from you it’s much easier to talk to it, tell it to quiet down and listen to it.
• Practice letting go of the outcome.
• Be gentle with yourself and practice self-compassion.

 

 

Give yourself patience and time. Reducing anxious thinking when it’s gotten overwhelming takes mental and emotional energy and just like any change is best done in small steps that are manageable.

 

I’d love to hear from you. Leave me a comment and let me know if anxious thinking has been affected you and what has helped?