How to Move from Self-Doubt to Self-Love

Tackling Self-Doubt

How do you know if self-doubt affects you? For some it’s a constant inner voice that says things like “you’re not good enough” and for others it shows up in not trying. You may have a list of great ideas you haven’t pursued or unfinished projects piling up. Indecision, getting frozen or talking yourself out of situations are other signs that self-doubt may be the culprit that’s holding you back.

Most of us have some deep rooted doubts that creep in when we put ourselves out there. We tend to compare ourselves to others even though we don’t know their lives and that can lead to second guessing and you guessed it: self-doubt. It takes mental energy to quiet those negative thoughts and that inner critic but with practice you can build your self-worth up until self-doubt is just a whisper you ignore. Jump to my three strategies here.

Self-doubt is a widespread phenomenon but not usually something you share openly with your social circles. It affects even the most outgoing extroverted people and can lead to feelings of shame for it’s existence. Not feeling enough or thinking you’re too much is so common there are many life coaches, self-help books and podcasts galore to help you overcome it. 

People often come to therapy for things like stress/anxiety, difficulty focusing, loss of interest in their hobbies, sleep issues and depression. And underneath that they also share that they feel overwhelmed and tired of self-doubt. They are ready to feel confident, to love who they are and don’t know where to start because they don’t know when the doubting really began or why its stubbornly stuck around.

Where Does Self-Doubt Come From?

So let’s delve briefly into self-doubt’s origin story. The ideal scenario for a high sense of self-worth starts with childhood and having healthy, secure adults that frequently give you messages that you are worthy of respect and love and have inherent value. If you were lucky enough to have that as a child you’re much more likely to fall back on that belief as an adult. If you didn’t have that loving foundation, had a hot and cold parent or had other inconsistent messages, you more likely internalized that it was YOU that was the issue as a kid (even though it wasn’t), that you didn’t quite fit or weren’t enough or had to be perfect in order to get love.

Sometimes parents project their own insecurities from their childhoods and that can lead to you absorbing some of what they experienced but it a diluted form. Either way you would not be alone at all if this was your experience and it can even happen in families that are stable and loving because parents are people too. Like the saying goes; we all have baggage. And often baggage is passed down and it’s up to us to stop the cycles in our families.

How Does Self-Doubt Grow?

We absorb these unconscious beliefs that we’re unlovable, not good enough, or flawed. For so many that’s at the source of why they’re anxious about being vulnerable with others, why they people please or control situations so that they won’t be rejected. Those experiences can result in the start of anxiety, depression, eating issues, self-harm or low self-esteem and for some it can be really subtle. Perfectionism has it’s start in self-doubt and anxiety but is more often praised so feels like a good thing at first. The root of so many mental health issues is trying to cope with what we took in about ourselves and the world as a young person who was forming who they are and their identity.

How Do We Unlearn Self-Doubt?

Now that we have a brief understanding of where it comes from how do we find self-doubt and exchange it for self-love? Here are a few starting places to begin:

Awareness                                                

If you don’t know when and why you do something then you’ll have a harder time changing it. Start paying attention and notice how you talk to yourself in your mind. Are you compassionate, forgiving and loving?  Do you hear doubts, fears, worries about being good enough? And what’s going on when those thoughts show up? Therapy is often a helpful place for this because we have dedicated space and training to listen with intention to patterns and can help you notice them. The more you notice your thoughts, the more the story you have about yourself will become clear. Often people keep journals because the act of putting your thoughts hones your self-observation skills and allows you to start seeing the patterns.

Reflection

Once you know what to notice the next step is to meet those not so nice thoughts with an open, free of judgement attitude and with curiosity. Imagine them as separate from yourself – many people find imaging thoughts as clouds in the sky or as a train going by helpful. You can become an observer of your thoughts and wait for them to go on by. If this is challenging for you there are a lot of great resources to develop a mindfulness practice for beginners here. Apps like Headspace and Calm have lovely guided meditations and yoga is known for it’s attention to noticing mindfully.

Compassion

Once you can recognize and be mindful of your thoughts the last challenge is being compassionate with them and yourself. When you were younger and started feeling unnoticed, not important, not enough or hurt by others it probably caused some shame and doubt. A powerful way to heal is to image going back to those moments and sharing words of love and acceptance to your younger self, validating their hurt and acknowledging that it wasn’t their fault. If that’s hard for you imagine it was your sibling, your child or a niece/nephew in those situations – what would you say to them? Often people find therapy especially helpful for this type of healing and part of it has to do with being in connection with someone else who sees you as valuable and worthy and can guide you to seeing how you were always worthy of love.

This is HARD work! Each step can take as long as you need it to. The more we can be vulnerable with ourselves and about self-doubt the less of a hold it will have on us. It takes commitment to learning self-compassion and it doesn’t happen overnight. Read more about my work with self-esteem on my specialties page. If you’re ready for a deep dive into your self-worth contact me here.