Become Your Own Best Support with Self-Validation

Build Your Ability to Self-Validate

We all want to know that we matter. Validation is more than just a nice feeling; it gives a sense of purpose when we are accepted and understood. It helps build meaningful connections when people recognize what we say, do, and who we are.

Validation is so important to our emotional and mental health. Dr. Marsha Linehan, the creator of Dialectical Behavior Therapy, identifies six levels of validation that are important to learn and practice in relationships. Read more about her levels here.

Being validated by others is a wonderful thing, however, a good place to start is by validating ourselves. It is not a good feeling to be dependent on others to make you feel good or worthy. And relying on external validation can make us anxious, feel needy, and ultimately can turn others off.

Validating yourself allows you to deepen your awareness of yourself, manage emotional experiences, and increase your inner calm. You start having your own back and that is a real game changer. 

What is self-validation?

Self-validation is when you recognize and accept your own internal experience, thoughts, feelings, and needs. It is the opposite of tough love, hiding, blaming, or judging yourself for how you react and process the world around you. Self-validation and mindfulness work go hand in hand as you must notice your own thoughts and feelings before you can validate them consistently.

It is easier for people to self-validate if in childhood they received emotional validation, unconditional love, and compassion from parents or caregivers as well as society at large. A history of emotional invalidation in family life and/or systems at large makes it more challenging to feel inherently worthy. 

When there was an absence of validation or a parent’s emotional needs were ongoingly put before your own then it can feel foreign or even threatening to self-validate. It is possible to break that cycle and build self-compassion. After all self-critizing hasn’t worked right? Let’s try something different. 

How do you know if you self-validate?

First, notice how your inner voice sounds with these questions:

• Is it a supportive voice or critical?
• If it were a person, would I like them or want to spend time with them?
• Does the voice comfort me or cause me distress?
• Do I feel like I deserve to be talked to negatively or punished?
• Imagine if your favorite warm, loving character from a tv show or book was your inner voice. How would that feel?

If your inner voice is not able to provide reassurance, warmth, and be your inner cheerleader then start by giving it a boost of self-validation. Like anything new, you will need to take it slow and practice.

Here are some ways to build a validating inner voice:

• Notice the ways you take care of yourself each day, simple things to big deals, and recognize those #adulting moments.
• Ask yourself what you need right now – rest, comfort, a break, etc.
• Normalize your thoughts, feelings, or needs by recognizing so many others experience what you do too.
• Before looking to other’s for validation, ask yourself, “What do I hope that person tells me?” Then say it to yourself.
• Build a gratitude practice that is focused on yourself or make a “you” section. Examples are “today I’m grateful for my mind that allows me to create” or “today I’m grateful for the senses that allow me to enjoy my meal.”
• Compliment yourself regularly. Write one on a sticky note to put on your mirror or computer to repeat to yourself.
• Say encouraging words to yourself, give yourself pep talks. Tell yourself “you’ve got this” and “you can get through this” and “you are worth it.”
• Make a list of things you like about yourself. If struggling start with what your friends or loved ones appreciate about you. Reread that list when you feel in need of reassurance or approval.
• Be the parent for yourself – tell yourself that “You are worthy of love” or “Everything will be okay, I will keep you from harm.”

These practices will increase your overall awareness of your inner self therefore can integrate well with ongoing mindfulness practices. Therapy is also a space to practice receiving validation if you find yourself at the beginning of this journey. It takes effort and patience but self-validation is so worth it. 

I’d love to hear from you. Comment below and let me know your thoughts on validation.