Perfectionism is Not the Gift You Want This Year

Strategies for Perfectionism: Holiday Edition

The holiday season is already in full swing. Presents are being purchased, pies are in the plans and it can be a bright spot in the year. Especially this year people are pulling out decorations early and queuing up the Hallmark movies, hoping for some relief from the drain of 2020. Along with the warm fuzzies that celebrating brings there can also be pressure. The desire for things to go perfectly or having high standards for yourself is more common than you’d think and can take a mental toll. The holidays often amplify the urge to achieve, keep up appearances, to have something to put in that family holiday letter or to just end the year on a win.

In what aspect of your life do you feel the need to be perfect? It could be in selecting the best gifts, achieving that perfect photo in the snow, cooking a feast, or the need to have a beautifully arranged living space. Do you feel like you’re putting on a show or a performance instead of enjoying this season of the year? That inner critic can get amplified and contribute to stress, feeling drained and even depression. It’s not easy to push back on perfectionism and it takes effort, patience and intention. These strategies are a good place to start this year as you move away from perfect and embrace being enough.

Reconnect with Your Values

What about the holiday time is important to you? For many it’s family and spending quality time together and for others it’s about the generous spirit of giving to others. You can find a quick value sort activity here. Think of what matters then evaluate if the holiday photos, feast, etc. that you’re focusing on matches with your value of the season. See where you can practice the “good enough” attitude to reduce the urge to spend hours on something that will lead to stress. Can you email those family photos? Or opt for potluck style meals? Spend time on the pieces that most align with your values. If you’re going to stress over anything make sure it’s the part that matters!

Grounded Expectations

Most people that get caught in perfectionism don’t think there is anything wrong with having high standards, hyper focusing on details and having expectations that can lead to disappointment. Work on reflecting on what your expectations are for this holiday season and run it by a trusted friend or family member. This article has good tips on setting expectations. Alternatively, you can create a 2020 holiday season plan that is scaled down to recognize the difficulty of this year and the pandemic limitations. An example would be a small meal with just your personal bubble and perhaps a family Zoom call. Focus on keeping what brings YOU joy and drop what you can. You may have to get creative with ideas due to shutdowns and try new traditions.

The Art of Asking

This is a tough one for many people and especially those with perfectionism traits. It can bring up shame and fear to let anyone in on how much you may struggle on the inside when everything looks great from their view. More info on why it’s hard to change from perfectionism in this article. My motto is baby steps. If you really want to celebrate a specific way try to find ways to helpfully include others in the experience. Love baking holiday treats? Ask those in your bubble to have a baking party and they won’t even see it as asking for help. Is decorating your favorite task? Ask another member of the home to take one part off your plate like outside lights or snagging candy canes at the store. Delegate setting up a family video call from the tech lover in your circle who probably has the premium Zoom anyway. Many people value helping others and it feels good to be included even if it’s small things. Remember you are not responsible for everything though you may feel that way. Practice clear communication around your needs and set boundaries around your time.

Be Real

Remember that everyday joyful moments are usually not captured or posted to social media because hopefully you’re actually caught up in the moment! There are so many times that I treasure that aren’t documented by anyone and genuine connection is very difficult to capture on camera anyway. Those phone-free times will allow you to be present for that holiday activity you look forward to all year. Personally, I tend to pick one time that I’ll try to document for the photo album like cooking decorating (maybe someday I’ll finish my kid’s photo albums?!) and skip gift opening photos so I can fully enjoy that moment of joy. My baby step is to focus less on capturing that perfect photo of the finished holiday task and instead document part of the process such as you prepping to bake, the battle to untangle those lights, or that cup of cocoa you made before your Netflix binge.  We could do for a little more realism to our social media scrolling and a laugh too. Being vulnerable takes practice and is hard at first for everyone. And social media breaks over the holidays are a perfectly valid option too. 

Stay tuned for more posts on perfectionism and let me know what your top challenge with holiday perfectionism is in the comments. Don’t forget to pin this post to read later too!