The Window in Therapy and Why Staying in it Matters

Window of Tolerance and Learning to Self-Regulate

What Is the Window of Tolerance?

You’ve probably heard people say “I’ve hit my max” or “I’m past my limit.” You may have also heard the terms “dysregulated” and “outside my window” before. All of these phrases are referencing a concept called the window of tolerance.

Dr. Dan Siegel came up with the term “window of tolerance” to describe the optimal state, where the brain is functioning well and effectively processing incoming information. When we are in this state we can reflect, make thoughtful choices, be present and connect to others.

Everyone’s level of tolerance is different. Some people have a wider window and may be able to handle stress, intense emotions, or situations without feeling overwhelmed. For others, they are often outside their window of tolerance. It’s normal to have a smaller window during stressful times. 

The theories and concepts around the window of tolerance can give clarity to what happens to our body when it becomes activated by stress, fear or safety threats. Polyvagal theory by Dr. Steven Porges (read more here) brings us the concepts of hyperarousal, hypoarousal, and ventral vagal (aka the window of tolerance). These are describing three states in our nervous system:

Hyperarousal

• Fight, flight response
• Body is mobilizing
• Elevated heart rate
• Rush of adrenaline
• Feelings of panic, anxiety, agitation, fear or anger
• Thoughts racing, chaotic or hard to track
• Feels like you are out of control or in danger

Ventral Vagal

• Window of tolerance
• Body is relaxed, breathing normally
• Steady heart rate
• Feel content, safe and calm
• Able to think clearly
• Feelings of being competent and okay

Hypoarousal

• Freeze response
• The body feels tired, heavy, or sleepy
• Low heart rate
• Spaced out feeling
• Feelings of numbness, depression, hopelessness
• Thoughts are foggy
• Feels like you are trapped

Managing the Window of Tolerance

Everyone’s ability to cope with distress was put to the test this last year with 2020 marked by a pandemic, high stress, and so much more. When stress is high we are much more likely to go outside our window of tolerance and our body may not be able to feel safe with the health and safety risks going on.

In order to get back into our window of tolerance or work to stay in it, we need to calm our nervous system down by reassuring it is in fact safe at this moment. That means bringing yourself back to the present through skills like grounding and mindfulness, self-soothing and coping skills, or co-regulating our system with another person who is within their window of tolerance.

One way therapists help people learn regulation skills is by co-regulating, the practice of managing emotional reactions with another person who is able to stay calm, attune to you and gently bring you back into your window. Co-regulating is a good blueprint to learn to self-regulate and is how ideally we learn during our childhood with our parents, teachers, caregivers etc.

But many of us didn’t have calm, regulated adults all the time at home and had to manage overwhelming emotions without help. If you struggle with getting very activated, calming down by yourself, feeling “out of control” or easily overwhelmed by small issues then self-regulation skills are key.

Self-regulation skills allow you better handle stress, frustration and also to pause before you act and ensure you are acting in ways that are consistent with your values.

Learning to Self-Regulate

• Notice when you’re activated – you can check your pulse, notice your breathing and feel if your body is restless or agitated.
• Practice grounding skills – deep slow breathing, noticing tension and relaxing those parts of your body, pay attention to your senses and surroundings, butterfly hug tapping, guided imagery of a safe place
• Once you’ve slowed your heart rate down try naming your emotions as they come up and how strong they feel
• Self-soothe to take care of those emotions
• Take breaks regularly that are restorative (a walk, laying down, sitting outside)
• Develop a mindfulness practice – meditation, daily journaling around your thoughts
• Reframe fear-based thoughts (see my post on anxious thoughts)
• Build up your self-compassion and nurturing self-talk (see self-validation post here)

Activities for Self-Regulating

• Deep breathing
• Listen to soothing music
• Hum or sing
• Rock yourself
• Hug yourself or a pet
• Tapping (like the butterfly hug)
• Take a warm bath or shower
• Hydrate
• Nap or rest
• Play
• Do a yoga pose or stretch
• Find something funny and laugh
• Meditation or mindfulness
• Take a walk
• Sensory fidgets
• Ice pack on neck (or ice dive technique from DBT, thanks Vera!)

This takes time but with practice, you can begin to take care of your own feelings without shutting them off. Once you’ve been able to move through emotions on your own, you can notice how emotions are wave-like. They have a peak and then gradually lessen, sometimes come up several times but eventually they move on through.

Often therapy can help widen the window of tolerance, increase the ability to handle distress, and decrease times of shutting down or becoming overwhelmed.

I’d love to hear what helps you get back in your window of tolerance. Leave me a comment with what works for you.