Kick Drama Out of Your Relationships

 oCreating Chaos Free Connections

Do you find you end up in the middle of sticky situations, crossed lines of communication or painful experiences in your relationships? “Drama” is often used to describe chaotic, tumultuous, intense situations that have a lot of emotions involved. That level of activation can seem exciting and draw people like a moth to a flame. But the aftermath of these type of relationships can be explosive and create ruptures in your social groups as well as lead to betrayals, “fake” friendships and more. It can be exhausting to have a relationship where boundaries get messy.

Sometimes our attraction to people with such intense emotional swings can come from growing up around instability in our caregivers and can have roots in unmet childhood needs for secure adults. It can be hard for people with those childhood experiences to settle into calm relationships and can lead to picking partners like their parent, picking fights, self-sabotaging relationships and more. Most people crave deep, meaningful connections that make them feel loved and heard. Here are some ways to ensure you have more calm in your social life and that new connections are the kind that make you feel supported.

Tip #1 Communication

Share your expectations up front and clearly. Relationships involve two people and both need to be able to be heard and valued. If you can’t speak your mind openly reflect on what outcome you’re afraid of in that relationship and why. You want people in your inner circle that value your needs and can tolerate when your needs conflict with their wants. When someone speaks up to you with a need be sure to acknowledge their efforts to be open with you and practice accepting other’s limits gracefully. 

Tip #2 Authenticity

Be who you are when you’re alone with others. If you can’t drop the act with people in your life then ask yourself why you don’t feel safe with them. Pretending to be what you think they want is exhausting and often defeats the point of fulfilling connection. I believe you can be liked for who you are. Be honest about your challenges when you feel ready so that your friend or partner can best support you and you’ll feel more able to be your whole self with them. 

Tip #3 Pacing Matters

Think about if you are drawing people to you that you think you can fix, heal, help or save. Or the reverse if you become dependent on others quickly. You want people in your life that are able to stand on their own and the same goes for you. Relationships typically take time to deepen and trust develops over time along with respect. Oversharing is a sign of poor boundaries and never sharing is the other end with super high boundaries. You want to strive for the middle so do your work first by being in a good relationship with yourself and from there you will build lasting healthy connections with others.

Tip #3 Respond vs React

Take time to pause, take space or take a break if you feel you’re reacting intensely. Often our knee jerk reaction is rooted in our past experiences. It’s helpful to use “I feel” statements and respond when you’re not heated. Phrases like “I need a couple minutes to cool off” or “I want time to think about how I feel” can communicate that you need to take care of yourself before you can work through the issue together. 

Tip #4 Let it Go

You can only control your own actions in a relationship and you are only responsible for your feelings and actions. Say what you feel, lead from your heart and walk away when someone is not open to hearing your story or is repeatedly disrespectful of your needs. You deserve people in your life that want you to succeed, that will hold you gently accountable and will bring out the best in you. If they aren’t rooting for you then they aren’t worthy of your inner circle.

I know these tips aren’t easy because this is HARD work. It means setting boundaries, being clear with your communication, practicing assertiveness and learning self-acceptance. Therapy is a great place to learn more about your specific challenges, where they stem from and practice skills to make meaningful deep relationships.